Chapter One:
Who Am I ?
If a tree falls down in the forest and there is no one there to hear it,
does that mean it never happened?
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt overwhelmed, held back by an unseen barrier, even afraid of trying? Have you ever been in a situation where there was something you wanted, that you knew you were capable of, but it seemed something or some one was trying to prevent you from achieving it?
For thousands of years, as human beings we learn that we exist in relation to others - back to us. From the moment of conception, we are dependent upon the responses, interactions, and care of others to survive. An infant is supported in every sense of the word for nine months in its mother’s womb, and at birth instinctively seeks the connection and comfort of being cuddled and fed at the mother’s breast, hearing her heartbeat. So begins the journey of our lifetime, seeking connection, sustenance and comfort in the interaction with another.
Have you ever sought connection with another who did not, or could not, respond the way you wanted/hoped for/ needed? Have you ever felt a sense of longing, rejection, being dismissed or shut out, or not even seen by someone whose acknowledgment, acceptance, warm response felt like the most important thing in the world at that moment? If you are anything like me and most of the people I have met in the world, you have. I think at one time or another, we all have.
Imagine these scenarios: A baby cries, and its mother picks it up with a coo, a smile, a reassuring tone. The baby feels safe, comforted, secure in its world. Or: a baby cries, its mother picks it up, her brow furrowed, her tone anxious, her embrace tense. The baby senses discomfort, feels tense; its sense of security in the world is not at ease. Or: a baby cries, no one comes to pick it up. It cores some more, still no one comes. It continues to cry, and no one responds for several minutes- which seems an eternity to the tiny baby, who has no value of time. It very existence feels threatened, it cannot meet its needs for food, comfort, relief by itself. It is completely helpless and dependent, and help/comfort does not arrive. The baby fears for its very survival.
This may sound very dramatic to you, but this is in essence where our earliest beginnings of sense of self, security, and acceptance begin. Our needs in earliest life must be met and fulfilled by others. Our fundamental self depends on the actions and responses of others, and from our earliest lives we learn that others hold the power over our ability to feel safe, secure, comforted, nourished, relieved. So begins to journey of a lifetime of experiences – in which our sense of safety, security, acceptance, love, being wanted, being valuable in the world and to the world – are determined.
Fast forward twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years. Here you are now, the collective product of thousands of moments of acceptance, nonacceptance, comfort, rejection, love, antagonism, appreciation, dismissal, praise and condescension. A lifetime of paradoxes and mixed messages, all becoming a part of one’s sense of self – a sense of Who I Am: how you feel about yourself and how valuable you feel in relation to others and the world.
The human condition involves living with others, being involved with others, even being dependent on others, allowing others to be dependent on and involved with us.
Perhaps one day, something involving another hurts so badly that we shrink up inside, recoil, withdraw. A word, an action, a gesture, a whisper, a suspicion, a thought. We begin to change the way we view ourselves, others, the world. This may happen many, many times - or, to some, not so many. Early life experiences, family of origin, childhood, adolescent & adult experiences weave together a fabric of self worth – or lack thereof – that we may not even be aware we are wearing.
One of my earliest memories is an idyllic moment, alone in our backyard. I was three years old. I was riding my tricycle around and around our picnic table on the brick patio, talking and humming to myself. Life was good. Life was sweet. Life was uncomplicated.
Not too long after that, I remember being in first grade. I had to go to the bathroom very badly. I raised my hand, as good little students were taught to do. I waited patiently to be called on. I began squirming in my seat. Finally the teacher called on me, heard my request, and told me no, I could not go. I would have to hold it until the next recess. I kept squirming in my seat, raised my hand again. Again my request was denied. The whole class heard both requests so everyone knew I had to go. Soon, I could not hold it anymore. So I went, right there in my seat. And everyone in the class knew. I was so embarrassed. The teacher then pointedly told me, with an exasperated tone, to go get paper towels from the bathroom and clean up my mess. I was so humiliated. I wanted to disappear, right then and there. I was completely mortified. I can still remember that moment very clearly. Some moments become etched in the library of our brain.
I hold a panorama of moments in the library of my brain that I can access. Many of them are wonderful, glorious moments. Like the moment I walked down the aisle at my graduation from graduate school at the age of nearly fifty, Pomp and Circumstance playing in the background, my children in the audience cheering me on.
And many of them are terrible, frightening, humiliating, shaming, damaging moments: moments in which I or someone else was hurt – physically or emotionally. Like the many horrendous moments I endured during my second marriage, a marriage held together by empty promises, abuse and broken dreams. Or the moments as a child and teenager, punished or shamed by frustrated parents, a sibling, or at school by cruel peers.
One of my students said to me not long ago, "No one comes through life unscathed.”
I agree. No matter how pretty the picture may look on the outside, everyone has their stories, their moments. I have never met anyone who has lived a lifetime untouched by others. That is a large part of how we evolve and become who we are today. |
